ENJOY LIFE MAGAZINE

*Parental Supervision Advised - Strong Lanuage

LOVE, FEELINGS, OLD FLAMES, BETRAYL & LIES

Written By Lakisha M. Johnson

Author's Note:
Just so you know this was a test to me to see if I could really do this. This is a partially true story based on an experience in my life that I am still currently dealing with on an emotional level. CRAZY. So sit back and enjoy and thanks for all the love and I promise to keep it coming when it hits my brain.

Have you ever seen someone for the first time and knew you had to have that person? Well this was the case for Lisa, when she saw Bryce it was like walking in the clouds. He was everything she thought she wanted and decided to pursue him. It was not a hard task because Bryce was her co-worker. It was Bryce’s first day on the job and he was getting the traditional tour of the company. She was in shock of her feelings but she went with it. She was introduced to Bryce by the company president since they were going to work in the same department they needed to know each other.
As time went on and Lisa got to know Bryce just a little she decided to make her move. They had enough late nights working on cases and clients that they built a working relationship. So one night leaving the office with some other co-workers Lisa decided to make her move as they started to separate to one another’s vehicles, Bryce and Lisa were parked close together. They always did so, so Lisa wouldn't walk to her car alone on those late nights. "Bryce can I ask you a question?" she said. "Sure" he responded. "Would it be ok if I asked for your number and wanted to know if we could go out sometime?" Lisa managed to get out. Bryce was a little shocked but happy because for weeks he was trying to figure out how to ask her out but didn't want to ruin their work relationship. "I'd like that" he responded. So they exchanged numbers and said goodnight and got in their cars to leave. When Lisa got home she was so happy that it all worked out and she didn't get turned down. Bryce was fine with a capital F. He normally wasn't Lisa's type but she wanted to try something different and when she saw Bryce she knew he was it by the feeling she got looking at him. That feeling will get you every time and women we know how we respond to it.
Weeks and months went by and the relationship between Bryce and Lisa was growing strong. They kept their relationship out of work and their work out of their relationship which is a hard task to do but they made agreements on things and work was one of them. Things were getting serious and Lisa was getting nervous. So what do we do we call a sister friend for some advice. "I'm just a little scared as to how my feelings are growing so fast for this man I don't know how to act", Lisa tells her friend Sharon. "Girl, just go with the flow if it feels good then what's the problem?" Sharon states. "There is no problem I just don't want to make the wrong move" says Lisa. "Well if you do and it all falls apart I'll be there to pick up the pieces with you, I got your back" shouts Sharon.

Bryce and Lisa are in year 2 of their relationship and work has got them kind of bumping into each other. The firm is getting busy, which means the clients are pouring in. Lisa and Bryce are spending less time together and when they do they are too tired to do anything. Lisa feels the relationship is changing but she doesn't say anything. They are not arguing but the time apart is taking affect on them. They both just go about like nothing is wrong. So Lisa decides she needs to hang with her sister friends to release some stress. So she goes to her friend Melanie's house, they order pizza and talk. They are there for hours doing what women do best and that is talk. A little after midnight Jason comes home. Jason is Melanie's boyfriend. They have been dating for as long as I've known Melanie which is like forever. Along with Jason is his best buddy, Mark. We all know Mark as well from us growing up together. Both brothers were good looking but we were such good friends dating wasn't an option except for Melanie and Jason. We are talking, laughing and remember old times when Mark tried to ask me out when we were younger. We were laughing so hard some of us were crying. After all the chatter it was time to rap it up and go home. Mark rode wit Jason so he needed a lift and ironically I was closer to him so I offered. On the ride home we are still talking. As we near Marks' house he says, "Can I ask you a question Lisa?" I'm like "Sure why not". “If I gave you my number would you call me?" he said. If my expression didn't tell it all my mouth being wide open had to say something. He already had the number in my hand before I could respond. As I pull in front of his house he doesn't say a word he just gets out. I pull off like what the fuck was that that just happened.
Time passes and Bryce are I are just existing together so comfortable with each other but no one mentioning the state of our relationship. Its like if we are not arguing and we still love each other that nothing is wrong. But I'm feeling a void and since this is somewhat a new situation for me having a good relationship I'm not sure if expressing myself and what I feel are going to negatively affect my relationship wit Bryce, so I go on like its all good. In the meantime I'm kind of hiding from Mark because I have not called him or returned any of his calls. But damn if luck didn't catch up to me and I mean that in a funny way. I bump into Mark at the mall and he is like "Why haven't you called me or returned any of my calls?" All I could add was "I don't know". As I stand there with a dumb look on my face Mark is steady talking trying to get answers out of me. He asks if we can go get a bite to eat, I agree since my stomach was talking to my back. We sit down and I feel a little weird because I don't want him to think this is a date. "So you still haven't answered my question, why haven't you called me?" Mark states. All I could get out was "I wasn't sure how to respond to you. It came out of no where you asking me plus I'm in a relationship and you know this." Mark chimes in "I know this already and I'm not trying to take you away from Bryce I just want to get to know you a little better maybe there is room for me in your life. I just don't want to regret not trying."

Weeks go by; Mark and I are hanging out in between the time that Bryce and my schedules conflict. I'm not stupid Bryce has no clue because any man would get jealous and make it more than it is. I see Mark in a different light now that I'm truly getting to know him. I don't feel for him in that way but I have a newfound respect for him as far as his accomplishments and his personality. We are alike in a lot of ways but different at the same time which in a sense we compliment each other plus he is the type I would normally date but I wanted someone different and Bryce fit that perfectly. Bryce and I are different in many ways as far as family upbringing and childhood but our differences make us one. Since we have been having a small problem in our relationship connecting fully I've noticed that our differences are affecting our growth. Hanging with Mark may not have been the smartest thing but I just needed another outlet and sometimes sister friends can't help.
In order for Bryce and me to give our relationship some refreshment we decide to go away on a mini vacation. So we plan a weekend trip to a bed & breakfast. As we lay in our bed just taking in the day we spent together with no worries on our mind. No work, friends, family or the traffic of the city. Bryce says "Honey do you think its time that we take our relationship further? I love you and I want to continue being happy with you". I wasn't sure what to say; yes I loved Bryce and was very happy with him but didn't really think about going further. I guess with a stressful job I was just happy having someone to curl up with on my day off you know. "I agree" is all I could say because I wasn't sure where this was going. Before I could blink my eyes twice Bryce was already on one knee. "I'm going to keep this simple because I believe we are on the same path but I want us to ride it together. Will you marry me Lisa?" He says. My eyes swell up in amazement because I damn sure didn't see that coming. For a good 5 minutes I didn't say anything I didn't want to leave a brother hanging but he caught me so off guard. My mind was spinning in many directions but no wasn't in my thoughts at all. I did love the man, he made me happy and I could see this happening. "Yes, Yes, Yes I will marry you Bryce Jerome Hamilton" I sing.
Fast forward a couple of months, since the engagement and the announcement things kind of stalled a little bit. Work became more work as we were winning cases the workload got bigger from more and more clients. It didn't help that we were a black owned firm either. You know our people come out when they need a defense or to get rich off a claim especially when you have a reputation like Johnny Cochran. We hadn't really set a date because we were too busy setting dates to see each other. All the while I was still hanging with Mark less but more than being with Bryce. We decided to move in a few months before the wedding once we had time to shop for a house and set a date. So on one of my gracious off days Mark stopped by to check on me since I've been kind of working from home a little bit. I was a little tired and hungry but too tired to cook and here he comes with food in hand. Good timing is what I call it but that can also be bad. "Hey Mark what's going on, you must have heard my stomach a block away because I am truly hungry" I told him. “I figured you were since you were locked up in here like a slave working hard on these cases that you can’t even feed yourself" He states. As I take a break and we eat and chat I look at Mark in a whole other light not sure where it came from but I looked at him in a way I never did. "He looks good in his cargo shorts and polo shirt" I say to myself. He's talking but I'm checking him out. Maybe my hormones were in need of some attention but I stopped because it was going to lead no where fast.
I snapped out of my wonderland and caught the end of Mark's sentence ".........can I have some". "What" I said. "You know I'm engaged" I stated. "Excuse me Lisa, what are you talking about?" Mark says with a confused look on his face. "I'm sorry I thought you meant something else" I said laughing because I was embarrassed at my comment. "I knew you wanted me all along you were just too scared to say it. I respect that fact that you are being loyal in your relationship but the heart never lies" Mark says. I'm at a lost for words on that statement because it is so true but I think now is a time better then any to rap up this little meal break before it goes south. So without being rude I tell Mark that I need to get back to work and I thank him for the food and company. We both get up so I can walk him to the door. As he walks out the door Mark turns around, I can't say if it was planned or maybe I was just walking to close to him but when we were face to face it was very little space between us if you know what I mean. In that moment things changed we were eye to eye. A breath away from each other and it just happened. Mark kissed me with so much passion I was breathless. Seconds in I pushed him away and out so I could close the door. I just slide to the floor in amazement as to what just happened. What do I do? What about Bryce? What am I going to do? Damn, damn, damn is all I could say to myself.
Still with no date set things were starting to change between Bryce and myself. I couldn't put my finger on it but I kept telling myself it had nothing to do with the kiss. Since the kiss I've kept my distance from Mark but he was on my mind a lot. So one day I call to invite him over so I could clear the air because I loved Bryce and wasn't going to lose him for some bullshit. Not that Mark wasn't a good guy but in another life it could be possible. Mark arrived about 6 that evening and I opened the door to his fine ass in a chocolate Steve Harvey suit with eggshell pinstripes and everything else in place. He had to just be leaving his office downtown and been on his way home when I called so he got there pretty quick. I was trying to get my mind off of how good he looked and how that suit complimented him and not the other way around. I told him to come in and before I knew it I grabbed his hand and pulled him close to me and kissed him as passionate as he did me before. I used to hear the saying it just happened and thought it was bullshit but now being in those shoes I can understand. I don't know what it was but my body took over my mind and my heart took control. "Mark I don't know what's happening but I'm not sure I want to know or go any further with this so just bare with me. I love Bryce and I'm confused as to what is happening with us if anything at all. Don't ask anything of me or question what this is because it could be nothing it could be something" I tell him. "I can't promise you anything but I will follow your lead and if that goes in my favor I'll be elated but if not I'll step back and attend your wedding in peace" Mark shoots back at me.
As I have Mark up against the wall going for mines and just being in the moment he pulls away and says "As bad as I want you I want you to know that I love you, always have and always will, this may complicate things more but I think we have already done that. Don't think about me saying it because it will take away from everything just know that I do." And with that we proceeded to make love like a military couple after a long tour. Mark did things that I forgot were possible and was so in tuned with what I wanted and felt. He savored every moment as if he knew this could possibly be the only time this would happen. Anyone in this moment knows that if you’re in a relationship your partner is the last person on your mind until the act is over because pleasure prevails.
When I woke up, yes you heard me, when I woke up I rolled over and Mark was already gone. There was a note on my dresser. It read, Lisa last night was something out of a dream and I want to keep it there. Love Mark.

For the next couple of weeks I tried to move on and get back into my life but Mark was always on my mind. We hadn't hooked up after that night but were in each others company with other friends. Bryce and I had finally picked a date and were going full force with the planning. He was so happy I was going to be his wife. I was happy but my heart ached a little for what I had done to him and the way it made me feel because he did not deserve it. He was the best man a woman could ask for I just possibly was not ready for him at this point in my life. I sometimes felt like something was missing. Since we were from two different places that was always something that put us as being so opposite. We decided on August 8th as the big day. We both loved the summer and it was perfect for us. Our case load would be down a little bit and we could actually take a honeymoon. That gave me 8 months to get it all together.

As an effort to get my relationship on the 100% track I spent as much time with Bryce as possible getting to know things that we might have overlooked early on in our relationship. One night we were staying in with Chinese at his place and we were talking about love and being friends. "Lisa I just want you to know that above all else you are my best friend and I don't ever want to be without that" He says. What do you say to a man who can melt your heart with words? "Bryce I want you to know that I love you with my all but sometimes I struggle with us being so opposite and how that will work or not work for us. I get scared sometimes as to if I am really ready to take this step. I don't want you to think I love you any less but I'm just concerned." I tell him. "Lisa don't worry about it you are just feeling the pressure of everything. I know you love me and want to be with me. I also know you are my foundation and you always have my back I can't ask for anything more in a woman. Just listen to your heart and it will be fine." He tells me. Maybe he is just so in love that he doesn't see what I see or maybe I am just nervous. We rap things up and decide to go to bed we have an early morning.

After a long day in court I can't wait to get home to rest and free my mind of all this day has put me through. Bryce is out of town on business and I am feeling lonely because I have no one who I can let my stresses out that will truly understand. I get home and decide to take a long bath and just relax. Just when I think the night is going as I planned the doorbell rings. I open the door and to my amazement it is Mark standing there with his fine ass as usual. I tell him to come in and direct him to the living room. I am confused as to why he is here because we haven't been speaking that much ever since the night of passion. "Lisa I'm sorry to be here without calling and all but I just had to see you. I'm thinking to myself this fool is crazy I thought things were going fine but boy was I sadly mistaken.
Mark was a weakness I had to get over FAST. I look at him confused because I thought we had an understanding. We sit down and he starts by telling me he can't stop thinking about me and what I mean to him. How he can't let me marry Bryce knowing how he feels. Whoa whoa I think to myself pump your brakes I didn't sign up for all this but this is where everything changes. I admit I did have feelings for Mark how strong they were I wasn't sure. I wasn't thinking long term at all. Mark had so much sincerity in his eyes when he spoke to me and once again I melted. He leaned in and it was all over from there. We were on the floor in 10 seconds flat. Clothes off and skin to skin about to start a fire. Mark states "I love you Lisa and I can't lose you by just sitting back and watch you marry someone else I know what we discussed but I'm in love with you." With that said he kisses me with so much fire I felt as if the sun was on my lips. If my house wasn't so far up on the hill I believe my neighbors would have called the cops thinking I was getting killed in here I was moaning and screaming so loud. We climaxed at the same time and I was hooked from there. I could not let this end. Mark was everything Bryce wasn't or so I thought at the time. We both fell asleep in front of the fireplace in each others arms.

It’s already May and a few months to the wedding. Mark and I have been hooking up in between the time with me and Bryce. It has been so much stress on me I don't know what to do. Love and lust are so powerful when put together. One night Mark and I hooked up it was steamy as usual and I was so into it I didn't hear the key in the door or for that matter the door open. I didn't realize Bryce was in the room until Mark flipped me over to be on top. The look in his eyes was just of total disbelief and hurt. The hurt stood out more than anything and at that moment is where I felt like total shit. He didn't say a word he just left the room and left the house. I looked at Mark and I jumped up like he was a stranger in my home. I put on my robe to see if I could catch Bryce but all I saw was an empty house. Mark got up to follow me and just stood there and watched my every move scared to speak or touch me. I just looked at him like damn this is not going to be good. I just fell to the floor holding myself because I just hurt someone I truly do love with a man I have feelings for. Mark still in the same spot was still unsure of what to say. He finally decided to get dressed and leave because there was nothing he could do or say to make this situation any better or worse for that matter. Hours passed and I realized I was still in the same spot. It was 7am my time to get up and get ready for work. I knew I had a light load today at work that my assistant could handle so I called the firm and told them I wasn't feeling well that it was something I ate at dinner. I then went to shower and throw on some sweats and a tank. All I could think about was what I do next. Do I call Bryce or wait until he calls me. Before I could answer that questions Bryce was in the living room. Once again I didn't hear him but this time was because I was just not all there. He put his hand out for me to take it and I was hesitant. He led me to the couch where we sat down. "Lisa I just want to start by saying that I love you the same as I did yesterday. When I walked in here last night and saw what I saw I just knew I was dreaming. All I can say now is that right now it does not change how I feel for you because it just doesn't go away that easily. I want to hear your side and how this all started and then I will let you know where I stand." Bryce tells me. I look at him like is he crazy or something. He has to be and this is just a set up. But I go on to tell Bryce how I felt about our relationship and all of my fears about it.
I tell him how things first started with Mark and how I let the weak points of our relationship make decisions for my dealings with Mark. I also tell him how much I love him and how sorry I am for being weak and hurting him the way I did. After all I said I was taken back by Bryce's response "I can say that I have some understanding as to what you did. I don't think I would have made the same decisions as you but I can understand. I want us to move forward and still get married just start on working on our problems. Some which I didn't even realize we had. Lisa I love you and have never been so clear on my feelings about a woman in my life. It is going to be a process getting over this but you have to bear with me. If it ever becomes too much I will let you know and we can take it from there but I still want you to be my wife". He says. At that moment I start crying because I thought all was lost. We embrace and just sit there on the couch.

Fast forward, to August 7th the day before the wedding. I have not spoken to Mark since that night and I know it is for the best because he would just complicate things more. Bryce and I have been doing well, there have been some moments but it’s to be expected. For the last 2 days Bryce and I have been separated until our wedding day just to give it that true first time wedding day look. I'm hanging out with the girls for a little fun but at about 12:30 we rap it up because I want to be well rested for tomorrow and not have a hangover.
Today is the big day and I'm all ready to make that step with the man of my dreams. Everything looks beautiful and going as planned. I'm nervous but that is normal. I have not spoken to Bryce in 2 days and I am so anxious to see him and get this day over with so I can become his wife. I am running behind schedule of course I don't know any wedding that I've been to that has started on time. I am finally finished with getting ready and all the girls are looking beautiful. There is a knock on the door. Jasmine opens it and soon after hands me a note. It’s from Bryce. I figure it’s a love note since we have not spoken in 2 days. I am excited about reading it so I tear it open. It reads:

Dear Lisa,
I know I said I would still marry you but after heavy thought I am so sad to say I can't. I have been struggling with my feelings since that night and thought I could handle this but I am so sad to say I can't. I am also sorry that I didn't stop it before this day but I have had time to think about things in the last 2 days. I want you to know I love you and always will but my feelings have changed since that day. I see you differently and I can't get that old feeling back. I'm sure you can understand. I have already told everyone to leave so you don't have to explain anything to anyone. I'm sorry Lisa as I know you are. I love you.
Bryce

I just folded the paper and started crying somewhere deep down I knew it was too good to be true but I fucked up. One bad decision and heartache will follow.

©LMJ2007